Nicola July 3rd, 2017

I wrote this the week I was with James in hospital. It was what I was feeling at the time x x My heart bleeds My heart aches The wrench in my stomach I cannot face, I know the time is coming, and I know that this time will pass,but right here right now all I have left is your super gorgeous face. I hold your hand softly, I sing a little song, I act the silly bugger, for the hope that you will hold on. With all my sole I will hold on and give you all my strength, you can take as much as you want as I need you to live on. Somewhere deep inside, I know there is a key, which will unlock this silly disease and let you heart fly free! ❤️ The whirlwind of emotion rises up into the air, fear and desperation oh my heart doth tare. Where will we go next on this journey of hell, to depths of no return to be risen out of hell. Like a never ending story, will he live to tell the tail. I lie peacefully with you now for a minutes rest, wait for the next turn of events and hope that you will do your best. My little cherub oh how you fight on, you're the best boxer in the ring, let's hear the referee go ding ding ding! You're the winner, your the best, put the belt on and show off your chest. Stand proudly, stand tall, and tell them that you're the winner of them all! A gallon of tears A gallon of fears The corridor of doom, as you walk into the room. Patterned floors, stars on walls, flickering coloured lights, are supposed to help us fight. Doors screech open, the air hangs low, do I turn left or do I turn right, which way will have less fright? Nurses chatting, consultants quiz, doctors reading charts as the light lay dim. Tissue boxes, charts, screens and machines, everyone around us hoping for the same thing. Hold his hand tightly, whisper sweet words, hold on in there mate, your going to pull through this, it's not going to hurt. Days are nights, nights are days, time ticks on, so much lost time where has it gone! I rest my head on your sole, kiss you deeply and inhale you all. I touch your finger tips and hold your hand tight, come on James, you can do this, lets escape from all this shite. We hold on tightly to what we have left, that a small wonderful miracle will land softly on your chest. The constant sound of machines are keeping you alive, I just want to turn them off and know that you will survive. It's time to let go now and set your spirit free, this is not the life of a boy who is only thirteen. The sadness that surrounds us now, is the most insufferable pain, but we have to stay strong now and deal with this, there is nothing to gained. We have you in our hearts, we have you in our lives, we will never let go of you I remember how you made us smile. You've left an incredible impact on all of our lives, go now our special shining star, shine brightly as you can, way high up in the sky at night, shine brightly as you can xxx